​Flapper
Your skin’s dramatic way of quitting mid-project. “You can send without me,” it whispers as it peels away.
Symptoms: Minor bleeding, limited pain, frustration/pride
Treatment: Zinc Oxide tape, superglue, tetanus shot
What your mom would do: Blow on it, send you back outside
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Split Tip
Your fingers' way of saying, “Stop pretending you’re Alex Honnold and grab a jug.”
Symptoms: Red and flaky skin, slight pain, anger
Treatment: Hand cream, jugs
What your mom would do: Ignore you
 

Tweaky Tendon
The classic finger injury that shows up when you ignore warm-ups and think crimping is a lifestyle.
Symptoms: Pain, limited mobility, fear
Treatment: Slabs
What your mom would do: Rub some arnica cream, send you back outside
 

Pulley Pop
That ominous snap in your finger that screams, “Guess who’s taking an unplanned vacation?”
Symptoms: Pain, stiffness, worry
Treatment: Ignore the noise
What your mom would do: Twist the finger violently to ensure there’s no fracture, send you back outside
 

Boulder Bruise
Knees, shins, and elbows versus sharp edges. Spoiler: The plastic always wins.
Symptoms: Sting or burning sensation, rage
Treatment: Precision, body positioning, overhangs
What your mom would do: Splatter Merbromin all over it (regardless of the amount of mercury found in it), send you back outside

 

Ankle Roll
The price you pay for misjudging your fall.
Symptoms: Swelling, fancy colouring, despair
Treatment: Roofy, roofy, roofy (because if you fall again, it’s on your back)
What your mom would do: Ice it, allow you in the house for 2-3 hours while you recover

 

Shoulder Tweak
You thought you could gaston your way out of this awkward move. You were wrong.”
Symptoms: Discomfort, loss of strength, sadness
Treatment: Slabs, underclings
What your mom would do: Yank the shoulder back in place, kiss on the cheek, back outside
 

Elbow Tendinitis (Climber’s Elbow)
A Keepers' favourite. Too much pulling, not enough chilling. Your elbow wants a Netflix break.
Symptoms: Pain, loss of confidence, doubts
Treatment: Therapy
What your mom would say: “It’s nothing, darling. Now go play with your friends…”
 

Wrist Woes
Wrist decides it’s tired of slopers and demands an early retirement.
Symptoms: Discomfort, crackling noises, annoyance
Treatment: Wrist widget, paracetamol
What your mom would do: “It’s nothing, darling. Now go play with your friends…”
 

Crushed Toes
You wear the wrong shoes, in the wrong size
Symptoms: Torture, loss of toenails, avoidance
Treatment: Buy new shoes
What your mom would do: Wrap the foot in a large lettuce leaf to reduce the hematoma. Make a salad for dinner.

 

Torn Callus
Your hand’s way of saying, “Maybe chalk wasn’t the problem after all.”
Symptoms: Like a flapper, but without the blood loss
Treatment: Rip it, grow a new one
What your mom would do: Rip it, kiss on the forehead, back outside…
 

Hamstring Pull
That split-second realisation you’re not as flexible as you thought during a high foot.
Symptoms: Sudden, sharp pain in the back of your thigh, snapping or popping feeling, tenderness, full-blown depression
Treatment: Prozac, you might want to take a day off climbing while high on Fluoxetine
What your mom would do: Call it a day, make a hot chocolate, let you watch cartoons on TV (until the Wheel of FDiortune)
 

Groin Strain
When a frog-like stem reminds you why yoga is for everyone, not just Instagram influencers.
Symptoms: Difficulty moving your leg or hip, muscle weakness and spasms, embarrassment
Treatment: Yoga
What your mom would do: Nothing because you’d never tell her you hurt your groin

Face Slam
A wildly unexpected and intimate encounter with the wall after a failed dyno.
Symptoms: Diffused pain, loss of self-respect, shame
Treatment: Tele-transportation to a parallel universe
What your mom would do: Dry your tears with her thumbs, poke at the bruises, tell you it’ll be better tomorrow

Back Spasm
Your lumbar region’s passive-aggressive response to repressed fear and anger
Symptoms: Pain and stiffness in the back, buttocks, and legs, especially in the back of the thigh. Pain can worsen when bending, stretching, coughing, shitting, or sneezing. Repressed emotions.
Treatment: Read “Healing Back Pain”, by Dr John Sarno
What your mom would do: Heat pack…
 

Overuse Syndrome

When your whole body parts collectively say, “We need rest days. Plural.”
Symptoms: All of the above
Treatment: Toughen the fuck up (Rule #5)
What your mom would do: Not much
 

The Ego Bruise
The most universal injury of all. Caused by failing in front of your crush or gym nemesis or by watching a kid campus your life project
Symptoms: Wetting of the eyes, choked throat, clammy hands
Treatment: None
What your mom can do: Nothing at all…

Conclusion

Injuries Are Temporary, Sends Are Forever

Sure, climbing injuries are inevitable, but they’re also just part of the story. After all, what’s a climber without a limp, a taped finger, and a self-deprecating story to tell? Just remember: rest days are underrated, and so is bubble wrap.

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