#0: Be Respectful at all times

 Calling Patrick “Pat” or being unkind to the Substation staff will get you kicked out of the club.
 

#1: Obey The Rules
 

#2: Lead by Example

​Assisting another in breaking The Rules is strictly prohibited for anyone acquainted with their sacred edicts.
 

#3: Guide the unenlightened

​Regardless of how convincing your rationale may seem, knowingly violating The Rules is unequivocally unacceptable.
 

#4: It's all about the climbing shoes
​It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the shoes. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a gumby.
 

#5: Toughen The Fuck Up

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#6: The French Starts Rule

​French Starts are forbidden. Unless the start really sucks. A panel of at least 3 committee members is required to decide if the start really sucks or if the French Starter is just being weak/lazy.

1st Amendment to Rule #6 (also called the @kizza_kommandment): French Starts are unequivocally forbidden. Period.

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​#7: Do Not Frenchstart your starting time

​Being first at the gym is ok. Arriving one hour before opening time is NOT (cough, cough).
 

#8: Don't Skip Warmup

​Warmup is mandatory. Pretending to warmup by chewing on an exercise band is ok.

#9: Don't Mess with the Chalk

​Chalk shall be magic. Non-magic chalk should come with a warning on the chalk bucket (see Rule #17 for Chalk sharing).
 

#10: Climbing in shorts and tank tops

​Climbing in shorts and tank tops is restricted to V6 climbers (or under 37’s or above 47 degrees incline).

#11: Woody & Roofy mandatory training time

​Woody & Roofy time are mandatory at least once week, never more than twice.

 

#12: Resoling Principle

 Resoling one climbing shoes is recommended unless one is tempted to resole with gimmicky coloured soles.
 

#13: Cursing out under 13's (and their guardians)

 When climbing on Saturday & Sunday between 10am and 12pm, one can’t curse out under 13 (or their guardians) during this period for their reckless behaviour. Cursing children not abiding by the Rules on week days are tolerated.
 

#14: Cursing out in general

​Cursing out the setters, flipping off the walls, and insulting the holds is tolerated but only when part of a large group. Rude behavior is not to be tolerated when climbing alone in a busy gym as it reflects poorly on the Club.
 

#15: Walking around in Downturned Shoes
Walking around in your downturned expensive climbing shoes is tolerated only if grimacing in pain. ⁠
 

#16: Belongings Management (aka, The Yard Sales Rule)

Spreading one's belongings over the whole matting is not acceptable. Edge of mat only occupying 25x25cmsq area. Over 50's can get an exemption...
 

#17: Chalk and Brush Sharing

​Asking prior to borrowing one's chalk (magic, or not) and/or brush is highly recommended. The sentence "Magic Chalk Time" can be interpreted as a pseudo-verbal request. 
 

#18: Respect the Brusher

​When a problem has been freshly brushed up, asking permission before climbing is mandatory. The brusher gets first refusal. 
 

#19: Don’t be a beta sprayer

​Only tell the Beta when specifically asked. Showing the Beta is acceptable only if flashed.
 

#20: No Lycra. Ever. 
This non-inclusive Rule only applies to Patrick.

#21: No backward caps

​This non-inclusive Rule doesn't apply to Ken Griffey Jr.
 

#22: Respect Thyself

 Negative Self Talk is strictly forbidden unless in the midst of a existential downward plateau.​
 

#23: NFC (No-Flinch Climbing) Rules

• All 1’s are mandatory NFC routes

• No Flinch means NO FUCKING FLINCH

• A flinch must be called immediately by the No-Flinch Police and described in great detail

• Flinches are called by loudly grunting a random sound made mostly of vowels

• Warning: Adjusting a grip while NFCing could potentially be frowned upon

• If called for flinching, resistance is futile

• Hugging after flashing an NFC 1 is acceptable but shouldn't be abused

#24: The Nick Grading Technick

​Unilaterally downgrading a route is authorised only when agreed upon by at least 3 members of the club, but never in front of the general population and even less when a poor dude is shaking mid-route.
 

#25: Don't Add Insult to Injury

​If one severely dislocates elbow, fractures wrist, sprains ankle (grade 2 and below), one must leave the mat and wait for the ambulance in the rest area. Heart attacks, spine damage, and collapsed lungs do not apply.
 

#26: Thou Shall Rest

​Don’t be a route hoarder. Resting between climbs is a moral obligation. It allows your climbing partners (or just plain randos) to work on your problem, it provides you with valuable time to assess your life’s decisions and ponder what you could have done differently and helps restore some sort of blood circulation in your pumped forearms.

 

The Keepers Optimal Rest Formula: X (mins rounded to whole number) = (#moves + route grade) / 𝛑

Example: A 4 moves problem graded 2 will require (4 + 2) / 𝛑 = 1.91 minutes rest (rounded to 2 minutes)

PS: the inclusion of the constant pi in the formula might puzzle the shit out of the profane but remember that time runs in perpetual circular motion around the clock, not unlike our planet around the sun…
 

#27: The Steph Rule
Shaking, twisting and (in particular) shouting on the wall is totally acceptable and even, in some cases, recommended, in particular when projecting slightly above your limit. Feeling undue awareness of one's pathetic actions has no place in our sport. The Self and the Ego must be kept in check.
 

#28: The "Pat" Rule

​See #1 Rule
 

#29: Your body parts, your choice

​When trying to solve a problem, all body parts are fair game. Hands, feet, knees, elbows, hips, butt and forehead can be used to scooch up the dam wall.

#30: Your chalk bag is NOT a clothing item

​Bouldering with one's chalk bag on is forbidden (except for Marleigh). First, you'll look like a douch. Second, you'll make a mess on the mat when you fall...
 

#31: Breaking Beta
When it comes to Beta, there's no Right or Wrong. Only Top or Not.

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#32: Thou shalt not mistake the crash pad for a nap pad
It's for falling, not for catching forty winks. Though, we can't guarantee you won't dream of sending that elusive V5.
 

#33: Don't wage biological warfare, part 1
If your climbing shoes smell worse than a gym locker room, consider them biological warfare. Thou shalt air them out, for the sake of climbing partners and the delicate noses of nearby belayers.
 

#34: Don't wage biological warfare, part 2
Chalk is not a substitute for deodorant. Thou shalt not be that climber leaving a cloud of chalk dust and an unforgettable aroma in their wake. Embrace hygiene; it's the polite thing to do.
 

#35: The Adam Ondra’s Rule
Thou shalt not attempt a dyno without an accompanying Ondra yell. It's scientifically proven that a good vocalization adds at least a grade to your dyno.
 

#36: Find dignity wherever you can (even in failure)
In the event of a fall, thou shalt exit the crash pad with the dignity of a cat falling off a countertop – pretend it was intentional, walk away, and plan a more successful ascent.
 

#37: Trust your inner Guru
If a climbing move feels like a yoga pose gone wrong, thou art probably doing it right. Awkward moves are just the universe's way of keeping things interesting.
 

#38: Blame the Beta
When in doubt, blame beta. If a climb goes south, it's clearly the fault of the beta – that elusive sequence that resembles interpretive dance more than climbing. The blame game is the true sport within the sport.
 

#39: No one chooses to be born with a negative ape index...
If thou can't reach the holds, thou shalt blame it on the setters' conspiracies against climbers with T-Rex arms. It's the only logical explanation for holds being so high, right?
 

#40: Don't get stuck in a craggy relationship

​Struggling to solve a problem? Learn to let go. Dump it. Move on... 
 

#41: Respect the Holds (they have feelings too)
In times of crux-induced frustration, thou shalt resist the urge to take it out on the holds like a disgruntled rock-punching ninja. Holds have feelings too, and excessive aggression may lead to unexpected slips and a reputation for being the Hulk of the climbing gym.
 

#42: Know where to Flash
​Flashing in the gym is applauded, flashing in the play park is unacceptable behaviour.

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#43: There’s no dabbing in climbing

If you touch it, you know it. Go back and resend it

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#44: There’s no cheating in climbing, only lying

Claiming a sent requires no proof. This is the way of The Single Truth, the Sacred Words of the Sender. 

Finally sent THE project a day before reset? Topped the nasty overhang with the impossible sitting start? Broke the beta on the last dyno before the end of world? Just claim it. The words of a Keeper are as precious as a gold chalice encrusted with colourful gems of various sizes and shapes (and friction). 

Note: The testimony under oath of a sworn committee of (at least) three (3) visual witnesses and/or unedited video evidence from (at least) two (2) documenting the sent are/is NOT required to claim a sent, but could nevertheless be submitted to The Keepers for review via the usual back channels.

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#45: The hard truth about Down-Climbing and Jumping Down

Down-climbing is the act of safely retreating from the heights, diagonally and in slow motion, using as much surface area as possible regardless of the amount of climbers desperately waiting their turn on the 3 or 4 problems the down-climber is hoarding in the process.

 

While down-climbing might improve your down-climbing ability by a small percentage, and possibly reduce the risk of a gnarly injury (the jury is split on that one), down-climbing will also dramatically affect your gym kred. 

 

We, The Keepers, acknowledge the local guidelines about down-climbing, but also insist that down-climbing is not a panacea.

There will be times in your climbing life when jumping down is the easy way out.

There will be times when jumping down become a necessity, like, right after THE BIG SENT.

 

If, and when, a controlled fall is required, you can either follow your survival instincts (don't die) or listen to The Enforcer (gently push away from the wall, control the flight by spreading your arms at 90 degrees angle, land on balls of feet, do not touch mat with hands to minimise season-ending injuries and maximise style points).

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#46: The (mean) route setters must be fed

It is the Keepers' duty to feed a setter in need, regardless of one's personal feelings towards this particular cast of sadistic characters (who are literally paid real money to fuck with one's happiness). Arsenic-laced Haribos will do the job.

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#47: The best climber in the world is the one having the most fun!